Reflections 10 years in the making: Reflection 1

If you've ever heard my Katrina story, it starts something like this...

"On Thursday night, I went to my first graduate class.  On Saturday morning, we evacuated."  And what I might not say, but I think each and every time is, "...and then life, as I knew it, was over."

Well, August 25, 2005--exactly 10 years ago today--was that Thursday night.  And here I am, 10 years later, ready to start my 2nd (and final) year of graduate school tomorrow morning.

Those who know me well understand that my education is tied into my work and my heart's passions, and always has been.  My hope is to fight for those who have no fight... to support the underdog... to bring justice where there is no justice.  My BA in Family Counseling, although a great start, was not enough to prepare or credential me for the type of work I wanted to do.  Consequently, I knew I needed a Masters degree to find the meaningful work I'm wired for.  The writer of Ecclesiastes concludes that fulfillment in life is found by doing meaningful work (and enjoying food and drink... let's not forget that part!).  After the storm, it was clear to me that I had lost all purpose because I lost my open door to meaningful work.  In the years following Katrina, I had to find meaning elsewhere.  And I didn't do it very successfully.

That might be one of the most painful parts of my story.  I was a brand new wife when we "lost" what New Orleans was supposed to be for us.  We weren't even married yet when we knew we'd lost what our new married life was supposed to look like (along with the house we would spend it in); then I quickly and unexpectedly became a new Mom.  I've watched new moms since then.  I know they're supposed to be happy, scared and excited.  They're supposed to twitter with nervous energy and be preoccupied with which nursery décor will create the most charming and hospitable environment for their precious new baby.  They should be enjoying the company of doting family and friends, together celebrating the onset of a new journey. 

That's not what I had.  I had my husband's wonderful friends, whom I'd just met, put together a lovely shower for me that I'm sure I didn't know how to be grateful for at the time.  My Mom hosted a shower for me in Maryland (in my absence) and sent me a video along with all the gifts and cards from people who've known me my whole life and were attempting to love and celebrate me from afar during this monumental time in my life.  (Just recently, I came across some of the items from that shower and fell into a puddle of tears because I'd never really understood what I'd missed... or the sweet hearts of the people who were there to support me.)

Not to mention the fact that I blamed my husband for everything "I" had lost.  Not "us".  Not "we".  Just me. 

I was in a foreign place.  We moved into a new apartment three weeks before Isabella was born.  There are some days when I wonder if she wasn't a lifeline to get me through the mess to find meaning again instead of giving up.  I wonder if I would have just run away had it not been for her.

That sounds so fatalistic.  But if you only knew the propensity I had (have?) for self-pity, you would understand.  My skin was not as tough as I wanted people to think it was.  I couldn't handle disaster.  And maybe it was less that I couldn't handle the disaster, and more that I couldn't handle not being in the middle of the disaster trying to fix everything.  I didn't know how to not be needed when the biggest need I'd ever seen was playing out in a place I'd called home.

In any case, here I sit, exactly 10 years after my story began, trying to make sense of it with some finality.  Part of this 10 year reflection process is to hopefully remember who I was and what was important to me before the decade of wandering began.  I know a lot is similar, but I do believe that I disconnected from that person, that life, in a lot of ways.  I want to be whole, and wholeness has to include my lifespan--not just the person I became "after the flood". 

So I want to remember as much as I can, and be as thoughtful as I know how.  My disclaimer is this: I do not claim that my story is heroic or worthy of highlight as we commemorate the 10 year anniversary of Katrina.  There are others who were brave, who lost lives, those who rebuilt and who did the work of rebuilding a city.  There are people who lost more than I can fathom because, although New Orleans won my heart, it was not the place I grew up or grew my family.  There are others who grieved the city more than I.  My hope is that anyone who was touched by Katrina 10 years ago will set out on a journey to commemorate, mourn and celebrate their story in ways that make sense to them.  I also hope that those who so eagerly offered hope and help to us from around the Nation 10 years ago, will also offer a listening ear and a little bit of love as some of us continue working through the meaning of it all.

The Second finish line

I can see the finish line of my 2nd semester at Peabody.  I just have a few readings on pharmacological ethics in neuroscience and two projects to complete.  I can't believe that's all I have left for this semester.

  I've learned a lot.  I'm not sure if the growth has happened in a way I can understand it yet, but I know there has been growth... and will continue to be growth.  Crazy fast growth that will prepare me and my family for the next step... whatever that is.

Right now, my husband is struggling and praying through some implications for our after-Nashville life.  My brain isn't there yet.  I know we have an after-Nashville life, and I know that part of my grad school journey is to put myself out there for jobs that will be pretty indicative of our after-Nashville life.  But for now, I know he wants to be in ministry again, and that means he also has to pray through where God wants him... and whether or not it is where he thinks it's supposed to be.

And then there's our beautiful daughter who is on this crazy journey with us.  She and I finally got to have some mom/daughter time yesterday after weeks of not really getting any quality time with just the two of us.  It was wonderful.  I look forward to finishing this chapter so I can focus again on being Mom instead of student.

As I write this, I find myself wanting to ask you to pray for us (if you pray).  I begged some wonderful women of God to pray for me about a month ago, and I felt the impact of their prayers almost instantly...they carried me, quite literally.  So I want to ask you, whoever and wherever you are... whether I'm asking only one person who happens upon my blog, or 100 people, or 1000 people (although I know my reach isn't that far), please just say a prayer for the Lytle Family.  We've had big dreams and crazy circumstances in these past 10 years together.  We know there is a future plan for us, and I'm praying that my husbands hopes are restored (in moving back into ministry) and that my training will place me exactly where I need to be.  I'm also hoping for my daughter's heart to belong to the Lord and her faith to move her into her amazing life as she grows.

So if you would join me in those prayers... and any others you may have for us, I would be appreciative.

Thank you.

Leanne

Exhausted and Amazed--week 3 update

This month has been a journey... and it's not over yet.  I'm in my 3rd week of intensive summer classes, and I'm blown away that I've made it this far.  I'm so full of gratitude that I was chosen to have this "opportunity of a lifetime" as my advisor would say.  I now know why people require a Master's Degree.  The amount of raw learning I've done in 2.5 weeks is more than I've done in years.  The ability to transfer research to knowledge to decision making and application is invaluable when approaching leadership.  It's great to have natural ability, which I know I have, but to be trained and pushed beyond limits is humbling and preparatory for leadership in the "real world".  Not that I haven't been living in the real world, and experiencing amazing things that have resulted in growth.  But now it's time to step up.  To become more of the leader and person I know God has wired me to be.  I am exhausted, but happier than I can remember being in a long time.

This may not be my most well-written or profound blog, but you'll have to forgive me.  Sleep isn't something I've had a lot of, and I have 50 minutes before leaving my house (and I still need to shower, pack my daughter's bag and lunch for camp, and write a summary... which I think may end up waiting until I get to school).

Thanks for walking with me on this journey, and cheering me on (if, in fact, you have done that).  I'm so blessed to have friends and family who believe in me, a husband who's encouraged me to embrace this amazing gift (dreams to reality), and a daughter who makes me want to be my best so she can have an example of a godly (I hope) woman, living the most full life possible.

Thoughts after one week of Grad classes

My first week of school is over.  And let me tell you, for a four week class, it's only just beginning.  I am among some amazing women (and 1 amazing man).  I am, indeed, the oldest, and I dare say, least academically trained, in the cohort. 

We have done a week's worth of reading each night, and I am being indoctrinated to thinking like an applied developmental scientist.  My advisor assures me that she'll make a researcher out of me.  I believe it's true.  To some extent anyway.  :)

Yesterday, we had lunch with the Assistant Dean.  It was at this point that I realized my life is never going to be the same.  My entire adult life thus far has been spent "dabbling" in educational things.  I've learned as I've gone, because one can't help but learn from the experiences they care about.  But now I'm being trained by the leaders of American Education.  These are the people whose names are in the studies.  They are on the front lines, learning what works, setting standards.  And they are the ones teaching me.

From whom much is given, much will be expected.  And if there is no other word that describes my experience thus far, "much" definitely fits.  It's a lot of work.  And I'm expected to do it well--"thoughtfully" is the word my advisor uses a lot.  So I'm thoughtful (as is typical for me), but in a totally new direction than ever before.

This morning, I needed normal.  So instead of cracking open a journal article, I cracked open my own journal and Bible.  I randomly turned to Psalm 111, which ends with these words:

"Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom.  All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom."

I will grow in a lot of knowledge over the course of the next 2 years.  But the fact remains that without setting my eyes on my God, and obeying HIS commands, my knowledge will never be full and my understandings will fail to be transformative.  It is the knowledge of him that creates my thirst for academia and "Clout" (if you want to call it that) to make a difference.  It is His wisdom that spurs me on to utilize the wisdom of the world for the betterment of people He's created...especially the ones who are powerless. 

And these are some of my thoughts--one week in. 

For now, I'm going to embrace an entire morning of normal (berry-picking, swim lessons, showering) while my journal articles, scholarly critiques and discussion questions sit on the backburner, simmering just enough that I can hear the pot lid jiggling, until this afternoon.  Have a great weekend!

Reflections before my first day of school

Today, I've been busy getting our house ready for my sister to get here.  She just graduated from college and gets to be full time Aunt for the next two weeks while I, for the first time since 2002, return to full time student status. 

Last night, I attended a "social" hosted by the second year students in my program.  My husband and daughter attended with me to show support and to get a glimpse of what this part of my world is going to look like, who the players will be, and what the setting is.

The players, to my knowledge, are all younger than me.  They are interesting, educated, diverse, and, in perhaps a few cases (but not many because we're mostly psychology nerds and do-gooders), a bit pretentious.  The latter is really hard to judge in severity, but since we all border on pretention at times, I believe it's a safe assumption.  The setting is one of the most beautiful and historically significant colleges of education in the US.  And this part of my world is going to look nothing like anything I'd ever imagined. 

If you had walked with me through the last year, you would have seen my disbelief turned awe and gratitude that this could be the plan for my life.  But I will say it again.  In 2005, when Hurricane Katrina washed away my plans for Graduate School, I never could have imagined the plan God had for my education.  Had I known, I'd like to think I would have waited more patiently.  In reality, I think the knowledge would have been too much for me, and I would have run scared, believing I didn't belong among (what I would consider) the educational elite. 

Maybe I'm crazy, and it's not that big of a deal.  And maybe to some people, it isn't.  But for me, it is the cause of faith, awe and wonder at what God can do with a willing heart.

The image that keeps coming to mind as I type this is from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  During the "introductions" in the beginning of the factory tour, Willy gives a run down of the basic integrity of each child.  One is greedy and fat and ate chocolate until he got a ticket, one is competitive and will do anything to win, and another is spoiled and gets anything she wants by pouting, whining, complaining, manipulating, etc.  Those character traits are what led to their presence at the factory that day.  But when he turns to Charlie, Willy says,  "And you... well you're just lucky to be here, aren't you?"

Yes, yes I am. 

And just to be clear--I'm not likening any of my cohorts to any of the other children at the factory.  But the comparison between Charlie and I is very real for me in this moment. 

I am "lucky" to be here in so many ways.  God has given me a gift.  And it's not for me.  This education is not for me.  And while we're at it, this life is not for me.  It is a gift of God meant to be shared with those He puts in my path.  That is how I hope to live this out. 

So for now, I will breath deeply, chat with my sister for a bit, go grab some almond milk from the store so we have it for smoothies in the morning, and take one day, one hour, and one breath at a time. 

Thanks for caring enough to walk with me through these thoughts. 

Authenticity > Pretentiousness

A few weeks ago, Pete preached a sermon with this same title during the "Greater" message series at www.Crosspoint.tv.  The ideas are still ruminating in my mind and heart, and I'm actually listening to it again as I write this. 

In the car after church that day, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretentious.  I've been asking myself the same question over the past couple of weeks.  And as I think about it, I realize that pretention has become a part of my very being.

My pretention is not toward others.  It's toward myself.  I pretend that I'm better than I am, that I have less issues than I do.  And in actuality, what I'm doing is hiding from myself.  I'm hiding my insecurities, my frustrations, my sadness, my happiness.  I'm pushing away the glimmers of truth--whether they be amazingly joy-filled or desperately sorrowful.  I'm becoming more and more numb to my own life.

And I don't want it.  I don't want to live in a numbed stupor--whether I numb myself by avoidance, eating or ignorance.  I don't want people to see me pretending to be something else.

"You are already a person who is deeply pleasing to God."

Everything about me--the core of who I am--already pleases God.  After all, He made me, right?  Did he not mean to make me the way I am?  Did He not give me emotions to walk through?  Did he not give me convictions to share?  Did he not give me a family to fully love?  Did he not allow me imperfections in this life so that I can see his goodness "in the land of the living"?

What am I thinking trying to hide everything about who I am?  It is for His glory that he has created me.  I am called to live life to the fullest--it is a gift from the Creator of this world.  Whatever my life is full of in the moment, I'm called to live it--not stuff it, ignore it or numb it. 

So back to authenticity.  Back to reality.  Back to imperfections and joyous occasions.  Back to real life.

Lessons and Reflections from Robin Quivers

"You need to get past the idea that food is communal--it's not.  Eating is personal.  You're not having what your spouse is having or what your neighbor is having--THEY'RE eating it, and now their body is going to have to deal with it."

--Robin Quivers, The Vegucation of Robin

This summer, my husband has deemed our kitchen "vegetarian".  This is not a shotgun decision.  It comes after years of his reading books and watching documentaries about food, the value of it, and the rape of it by our government and mass producers.  This decision has been a long time coming... and not an easy one--after all, my husband is an Italian who grew up with a lot of Mexican friends.

Now, he won't admit to this, but I've asked for this in the past and touted it's benefits.  I even decided to go a semester as a vegetarian, for which he did modify his cooking a bit so I could eat accordingly.  But in order to make this a family decision,  he had to get there on his own.  And because he's the foodie and cook of the house, I have followed along with whatever food decisions he was (or was not) making, thinking I was the martyr for doing so. 

Last night, I engaged him in a discussion of our future kitchen--if we are in agreement that this is a better way of life we want to see sustained in our family.  We agree that it is.  I expressed to him that I finally feel empowered to eat and live the way I've always wanted to because he, being my other half, is on the same page (barring the occasional addition of morally produced meats).  I also explained to him that, in the past, I've felt bullied into eating a certain way because those around me are not making the same choices I want to make.  The worst of this happens when we have family or friends in town.  I find that I resent visits from out of towers because it means I'm going to have to eat foods that make me feel gross, fat and unhealthy.

So because people are in town visiting, I have to make myself feel unhealthy.

What is wrong with me?

Enter The Vegucation of Robin.  I picked this book up at the library because I thought my husband might want to read it.  Not so.  This book was 100% for me.  I needed someone who understood my own personal journey with food/healthy who has walked the path ahead of me to teach me the real life lessons that come with leaving behind emotional eating, overeating, heavy eating to embrace something that makes me feel good and healthy in every aspect of my being.  The quote that opens this blog is one I read this morning and directly relates to the conversation I was having yesterday.  Feeling bullied into eating a certain way doesn't have to be my lot in life.  I can be empowered to make my own decisions based on how my own body and mind are going to feel about eating X, Y or Z.  I'll deal with my decisions and others can deal with theirs.  Period. 

This might not be news for you, but it is a freeing little tidbit for me... so much so that I had to blog about it in order to reference it in the future.  Feel free to respond or discuss.  I'm always interested in what other people think about food and lifestyle.  This part of my life will forever be a work in progress.  :)

Pieces

 Pieces.  My heart, body, mind... life... feels as if it is lived in pieces.  I am fragmented.  From the inside out.  Fragments of time--schedules (mine and others).  Fragments of space--outside, inside, work, home, school, store, church.   Fragments of thought--God, needs of my husband and daughter, practical living, money, work-related thoughts, bigger pictures, leadership, future, worry, memories.

Every piece of me feels as if it is pulled in a thousand different directions.  There is no center.  There are pieces strewn around a broken and nervous bit of more pieces called my heart.  But even my heart lies fragmented and divided in its direction and loyalties.  

In short, I'm a mess.  From the inside out.

Peace.  Just the word makes me breath deeply.  Not because I possess it.  But because, by definition, it is a restful place to be. The hope of the existence of such a thing makes me relax for just a second.   I found this on a website this morning--

"Peace is the absence of disturbance, a calm and composed soul. It is a quiet equilibrium even if surrounded by tumultuous events."

Peace.  It is not fragmented.  It creates unity... from the inside out.  It is quiet. 

It would stand to reason that, by this definition, inner peace would be an unfragmented and quiet inside.  Those who possess it are not ruffled by stress or circumstances.  They experience the same (or worse or better) than the rest of us, but somehow their core remains undisturbed.

Oh how I want this peace. 

And that's really all I have for this morning.  The want.  The desire to breath deeply with all my parts--body, mind and spirit--in complete, unfragmented unity.  It's happened before, and my prayer is that as I begin this crazy year (crazy for me, anyway--full time course load, 30 hours/week of work plus working a side business and doing homework and projects... in addition to being a mom, wife, long-distance family member, church member and volunteer), God will "hem me in, behind and before".  He will speak peace to my innermost parts.  He will keep his promises and hold me close.

 And I will let Him.

Healthier Days Ahead

  I've never blogged about my weight loss.  I am not a "weight loss" blogger.  But those who know me, know my journey.  I lost 100 pounds after graduating college.  My weight fluctuates, but for the most part, I've kept it off.

Two summers ago, a friend of mine asked me (okay, pestered until I gave in) to lead a Made to Crave study at our church.  That was the summer I realized that, even though my body was no longer obese, I still had heart issues that God wanted me to bring to him.  I had a very healthy summer, and achieved a good weight, but unfortunately, those heart issues remain today.  And those heart issues are what breed my physical battle.

When I am lonely.... not bored or happy or anything else... but when I am lonely, I am driven to food like others might be to a drug, a lover or a drink.  This is a direct reflection of the experience of my childhood.  I remember growing up in a house where I felt very lonely a lot of the time.  My Mom started working nights when I was young, so even though I was in the house with other (older) family members, I was basically on my own.  I would lie in bed and watch TV all night.  I don't really remember playing with toys or having other hobbies.  Sometimes I would read or write (the 2 hobby-esque things I still enjoy), but mostly it was me and the TV.  While I was watching, I would go into the kitchen to get snacks--always high salt or high fat (read: chips, cookies, ice cream).  They were my friends.  TV.  Chips. Ice Cream. Cookies.  Ham sandwiches with mayonnaise.   Whatever I could find. 

And as I write this truth about my past, I shed tears.  This is a heartbreaking truth for me to confess... just so we are clear.

I so wish I could leave that childish behavior in the past.  But I haven't been able to stop this cycle I have of grieving those friendships while still holding tightly to them as if they are all I have when I feel alone.  But it's not all I have.  I have friends.  I have a family.  I have interests and other ways to fill my time or feel connected.  I have other actual relationships that I could turn to for comfort, laughter, joy, companionship, fulfillment.  Yet I hold onto food because it has never hurt me nor turned its back on me or made me cry.  It has also never brought me joy, held my hand, made me laugh until I cried, brought a smile to a stranger's face or fulfillment to my heart.  It has never saved my soul or dried my tears. 

Food is food.  If I can just remember that.  Food. Is. Food.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It is necessary.   But it is not everything.

And if you're reading this, food may or may not be your heartbreaking truth.  Maybe you have something else that you run to like I do to food.  It doesn't matter what it is.  It's the thing that plagues you, frustrates you, battles you.  Whatever it is, it's not everything.  It doesn't define you... you just let it.  God sees more than that in you in me.  He sees someone he created for greater purposes.  You (and I) are meant for more.  Let's start living like it.

Everything Old is New Again

Faith.  It's a funny thing.  I've "walked" in my faith for so long that, like an old pair of pants, I've forgotten how much I was  in love with them when I first bought them.  My faith has been washed, ripped, stretched, flooded and worn to the point of being just like those old pants I'm ready to throw away because they remind me that I'm not {new, young, skinny, vibrant, fill in the blank...} anymore.  The fresh faith that carried me through so much of my teens and twenties is now tired, worn, and... what was that word I used on Facebook yesterday?  Ah, yes, reticent. 

• ret·i·cent

1. reserved: unwilling to communicate very much, talk freely, or reveal all the facts about something
2. reluctant: unwilling to do something

What a sad word to have to use to describe my faith.  Reticent.  Unwilling to communicate, talk freely or reveal all the facts.  Reluctant.  Unwilling.  "...having a form of Godliness, but denying it's power," is the way Paul phrases it to Timothy (2 Timothy 3).


But here I am blogging, as I am prone to do when I need to think through my life and faith... when I need God to make me new again.  When my reticence must give way to the life of faith (because make no mistake--any faith described as reticent is no faith at all).

This all comes on the cusp of God telling me "no".  I've had "faith" that God would provide financially for my family in a couple of very specific ways as I start Graduate school next week.  As of Thursday, He has officially said no to both of my expectations.  It makes me angry.  It hurts my feelings.  It makes me want to cry and kick and scream and potentially give up on this dream I have watched God hand deliver to me over the past year. 

But that is not the way of faith.  The way of faith takes the first step without seeing every step on the path.  The way of faith allows God to direct.  The way of faith is simple.  It is not overthought, hyper-planned or easy.  It is serendipitous.  It is beautiful.  It is fun and unexpected.  It is allowing God to make me smile instead of counting on myself for joy.  It is peaceful--something I have not been for months.

Faith lets go.  Faith opens its heart.  Faith smiles.  Faith breaths.  Deeply.

So as I begin this journey... however long it takes and wherever it may take me, I will breath.  I will be quiet.  I will stop trying to be in control of everything just because that's what responsible middle class American adults do (ha).  I will learn to walk in the way of faith--a way I started walking 20 years ago--and I will learn what faith looks like each day.  And if you happen to see me, please ask me how my faith is growing and changing.  And if you sense any bit of resonance in my answer, ask me again. 

Do I always have to be 2nd?

If you know me or catch my Facebook updates on a regular basis, you know that I have an obsession with the I am Second website.

Well, that's because, in my life, I try to live my life as 2nd in command. Heck, with a family, sometimes I feel like I can't even get to 2nd place...it's more like 3rd or 4th...or 10th.

I don't have a lot of time to write this morning, but the thought just occurred to me that there are certain things I do (and continue to do) only because I have God as first place in my life and I believe He has a plan He is unfolding for me.

So here I sit, printing out recipes, remembering once again, that I am Second in my own life...and hoping you will find satisfaction and peace in your own 2nd place. That's the funny thing about being 2nd place to God alone. Even if you don't think you're 2nd, you probably still are.

So I guess my Mother was right...

My Mom has told me for years that I am a snob. Of course, my response is, "How can I be a snob? I don't have a lot of money. I can't afford expensive things. I can't send my daughter to expensive schools and look down on those who don't."

Well, it appears that, after years of fighting it, I am, indeed, a snob. But it's not because I think I'm better than anyone...well, usually I don't think I'm better than anyone. It's because I'm insecure in who I am and what I do (or don't) have, and I'm afraid other people will judge me because of it.

A few years back, I spent a week with a counselor on Coronado Island. A couple of days ago, after attending a birthday party at one of Bella's classmates' houses, part of a conversation came back to me. The counselor asked me if I was a discerning person. After I answered that I was, and we talked a little bit about my type of "discernment", she challenged me. She said that my type of discernment wasn't something that simply saw people for who they were and accepted them anyway. It was a discernment bred out of self-protection. I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I size them up as either "safe" or "unsafe", and then I quickly either let them in or build a wall up between myself and that person so they can't hurt me first.

I'm guessing this is something I learned at a pretty young age because I had to determine who to be friends with based on whether or not they would accept me as the "fat girl". I had to make quick decisions and hope I was right so that they wouldn't turn their backs on me or end up saying hurtful things after I'd let them into my life. That happened a couple of times...and it hurt a lot.

As I think about it now, it's exactly what I'm doing as a Mom. Ever since Bella started school, and I have been faced with handling relationships with other Moms, I have put up wall after wall because I'm afraid that those Moms are like the girls who hurt me when I was a kid. If you've ever talked to me about the other families we're around at Bella's school, I'm sure you've noticed my snobbery. I judge them before they judge me...or I judge them FOR judging me.

...And it's not my place to judge anyone. In the grand scheme of things, it makes no difference where our children go to school...or what anyone thinks of me because of it. It doesn't matter if they live in a big house and I don't, or if they judge me because of it. What matters is that I stop acting like it matters.

I love my home...that is small and that I rent. I love the trees outside of our windows, and I love the people on the block I live on.

I love my husband and my daughter and they love me.

I like my dog most of the time.

And I know and love a God who is graceful and teaches me these things about myself so that I can continue to change and be more of who He created me to be.

My Bible is open to this verse right now--"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."

I don't consider myself to be powerful. Let me make that very clear. I very much feel like a "fragile clay jar" as I write this. I am breakable, and I need a lot of care and protection to keep me intact. But I do believe I have a remarkable gift inside of me that people (and I) periodically get a glimpse of. My hope is that as I continue walking through life and seeing myself for who I am and who I can be, that Gift will be much more visible.

But first I have to start taking down some walls. And if you're a wall-builder like me, I'd encourage you to start doing the same thing.

Until next time...

Jewelry and wedding dresses

This morning, I read something from the book of Jeremiah that got my attention. If you're familiar with Biblical things, you'll know that Jeremiah is known as the "weeping" prophet. He pretty much cries about the state of God's people for chapters on end. It's pretty pathetic. But after getting this image in my head that I'm about to share with you, I can understand why he mourns...and it's an image only a woman would understand. This is what he says...

"Does a young woman forget her jewelry? Does a bride hide her wedding dress? No! Yet for years on end my people have forgotten me."

If you're female, you know how important your jewelry can be to you. There are days when the ring on your finger, chain around your neck, or posts in your ears can make you feel like a completely different person. It can change the way you feel about yourself. It can also change the way people look at you. I know that when I've spent enough time and attention on myself to add those extra little touches, people notice and will sometimes comment on how nice I look. Sometimes they'll only comment on my earrings, but mostly it's about the whole person.

And then there's the image of the bride. If you've ever gotten married, you'll recall the importance of "the dress". Women spend thousands of dollars on wedding dresses (not this woman...but many women). No matter what the cost of the dress, it is one of the most important details of the wedding day. It is costly, takes time to choose, and it is the one garment the bride has chosen to be with her on what probably feels like the most important day of her life. For many, it's as much a part of the wedding day as the groom is! Certainly, a bride would never choose a dress only to then hide it under a potato sack.

But here is Jeremiah, likening God's people to a bride who has chosen to hide her dress. She has spent hours choosing the most beautiful, the most flattering and the most amazing dress she'll ever wear in her life...yet she doesn't want to show it to the people closest to her.

God is the most valuable garment we will ever have. When we choose him, we don't do it lightly or without cost, or at least we shouldn't do it lightly or without cost. Sometimes, we give up our habits, we give up our time or we give up our former way of living because that's what we're "supposed" to do when we become his person.

I'm afraid, though, that, like the woman who doesn't care enough to put on her jewelry, we just forget that it's important to add that extra touch that can change everything. Maybe we're too busy trying to get out the door in the morning, that putting on our God and spending time talking to Him or learning from His Word becomes unimportant. Maybe, like that pearl necklace you're saving for a special occasion, your Bible just sits in a drawer. It's never seen, but you know you've got it if you ever need it or have the extra time. Or, maybe like your wedding dress, it was nice for one day, but the day-to-day responsibilities of life require dickies instead of silk.

I think there's something I've learned in this last year, that I didn't know before...and it's reflected in this passage. God makes me beautiful. Granted, I'm not perfect, and not everyone sees the beautiful Leanne all the time...and sometimes my pearls and my wedding dress are locked up for no one to see. But when I spend the extra time learning God's word and being reminded of who He made me to be, I'd like to think that people notice something about me. And I hope that what they notice is not me, but Him and His beauty and worthiness to be worn not only for special occasions, but for every occasion.




Just an aside about this video. I chose this because it's acoustic, not because of the pictures it shows. There's a version with Bethany and her guitar when she was younger that I liked a lot better, but it cut out at the best part. The important part is the words.

My prayer today

O God, you are my God;

I earnestly search for you.

My soul thirsts for you;

my whole body longs for you

in this parched and weary land

where this is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and gazed upon your power and glory.

Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself;

how I praise you!

I will honor you as long as I live,

lifting up my hands to you in prayer.

You satisfy me more than the richest of foods.

I will praise you with songs of joy...

Amen and amen.

*I have to credit King David of ancient Israel with these words...they surely are not mine.

Stop worrying and keep moving

This last year+ has been an exercise in faith building for me. I've been a Christian since I was 13. I've been through many stages of faith and belief. But never have I been required to learn such faith and patience in financial matters as I have since leaving California. When we lived in California, I never trusted God with "my" (our) money. I never thought there would be enough and I was always hoarding it in my heart...even trying to control and keep it away from my own husband. The funny thing is that I didn't have a reason to try to control our money! Yes, life is excruciatingly expensive in Southern California, but we had a good paycheck to count on. We were never without and we didn't have a lot of expenses. On top of all that, my husband's family, who tends to be quite generous when they know there is a need to be met, lived 5 miles away from us!

Thinking back on it, I'm really not sure why I worried so much.

When we left California, we left our steady jobs, our family, our home and any allusion of financial stability we may have had. We were doing what we knew God wanted us to do. We were moving back to the place He'd called us, trusting that He would provide what we needed as we needed it.

And he has done just that. But I have not lived believing He was doing that until the last few months. Since making the decision this time last year to put Bella in preschool so I could work, we struggled with making tuition payments every month, as well as paying for her to be in dance class (which drained every bit of extra money we could have had...for those of you who don't know, DANCE IS EXPENSIVE). I can't say that I consulted God about dance or schooling, or believed in his ability to provide beyond our circumstances, but once I got us into it, we made it through...by the skin of our teeth!

When I started praying about a summer job, God orchestrated a meeting with friends of mine who wanted me to work for them. That wasn't the job He had planned for me, but that was the meeting that made me trust that God was preparing something for me past what I could see. After all, he had provided jobs (MANY jobs) since coming back a year earlier. I didn't really have a reason to believe He wouldn't continue to provide. Topher has found favor at his job, and God is providing for us through that. Right now, Bella is not enrolled in pre-K, I will possibly have the opportunity to work two jobs starting in September, and I don't have a consistent caretaker for my daughter.

I trust that God is going to provide what my family needs. If Bella is to go to school, it will be provided. We won't have to pay for it because that's going to put us in too much of a bind. If she's not supposed to go to school, then we'll trust that I'm supposed to be spending more time at home this year. We're taking a break from extracurricular activities because we can't do it right now. I'm not going to live beyond our means anymore. I'm knocking on every door that I see in front of me because God has reminded me that, although He is happy to provide for me, sometimes I've got to be the one to seek it out and do the work. He has something waiting for my family. Something greater than what we've found already. Not just with finances, but in matters of faith and community...in matters of life and His Kingdom.

But He has to come first. Feeding our faith has to come before feeding our bank account. The glory of His Kingdom has to come before the glory of my family or the building of a personal empire. It's not about me. It's about Him. And He is good.

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you."

"Taste and see that the Lord is good."

"The Lord longs to be gracious to you, and he waits on high to have compassion on you. The Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for him."

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good and his love lasts forever."

God is that big...and yes, I am that small

As a young person, my view of God and practice of Christianity bordered on the judgmental and self-righteous. I judged both myself and the world around me through very critical eyes (I still do), but I translated that criticism into my faith. I was plagued with guilt and a desire to make restitution for anything I thought I did or thought wrongly. There was little real hope in my practice of faith because I was caught up in being "right" or "righteous". I thought I could be good enough. I thought I truly could be like God. That came to a screeching halt when I entered into a relationship where all my thoughts about how "good" I was came tumbling down.

I know better than to blog the sordid details of past mistakes, so I will continue on, trusting that many of you have been in those kinds of relationships or circumstances--in which everything you thought about yourself was called into desperate question. That's where I was.

I began to see my propensity for selfishness in the deepest levels of my heart. I began to understand that if I can truly be like God, or if I thought I was close to being like God, maybe God isn't that great or worthy of my trust. It wasn't until a few years later that I read a book that diagnosed my condition.

I was arrogant in my faith. I bought the lie that I had all the answers and I understood the mind of God because I'd read the Bible. I honestly believed that faith was a simple equation and that I deserved God's grace because I was a good person and liked to tell people about Jesus. How wrong I was. In actuality, my condition was more symptomatic of the problems in Christianity today than it was evidence of the greatness of a fathomless God.

I understand God's ways and thoughts less and less as the years go by. I understand His grace and goodness more and more. As I study and follow Him, He becomes an even greater mystery to me. He is that big. No longer am I under the impression that I am like Him. I am not. I am like you. Whoever you are, whatever you've done and whatever you think of yourself or me, I am just like you.

Oh, and in case you're wondering what the book was that helped me understand all of this a little better, it's called The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. Don't read it if you want to believe anything good about yourself. Read it if you want to understand how good your God is to you and how unworthy of any of it you are.

It's good news. Trust me.

Ezra and the "gracious hand of the Lord"-thoughts

This morning, I was reading about Ezra. Ezra was an old school scribe (not prophet) who worked in the 400's BC. My assumption is that his relationship to the King of Persia (Artaxerxes) had to do with him being a scribe within the Kingdom of Persia, writing down laws, edicts, and basically whatever he was told to write. However, when he's mentioned in Ezra 7:6, we're told that, "he was also well versed in the law of Moses, which the Lord, the God of Israel, had given to the people of Israel," and later in verse 11, that he was also a priest.

He was a Jewish man, technically a priest within the line of Aaron, with an education who was respected and trusted by the highest authority in a non-Jewish country.

Here's a bit more context before I continue with all this:

It was during this time in history that we hear about the rebuilding of Jerusalem. Ezra wanted to be a part of the rebuilding and we're told that, "the king gave him everything he asked for, because the gracious hand of the Lord his God was on him." This wasn't the first time God had accomplished his purposes through the generosity of the kings. Kings Cyrus and Darius both gave wealth and materials for rebuilding Jerusalem (which was NOT a part of the Persian kingdom) and the temple of God. But this is the first time I can remember reading that "the gracious hand of the Lord" was upon an individual in the presence of the King to ask for supplies, laborers, etc., and to receive all that he asked for.

Back to the point.

After I read "the gracious hand of the Lord was on Ezra" twice, I started wondering why. Quite frankly, I wanted to know how to get the gracious hand of the Lord onto my life. I'd just gotten done praying about God's favor in my job. I want to, very literally, go before the authorities in my life and be able to get anything I ask for. Don't you? Well, when I read in verse 10 that it was "because Ezra had determined to study and obey the law of the Lord and to teach those laws and regulations to the people of Israel," it was slightly disappointing.

Like many others, I want to be told that simply because I am a Christian and I go to church, or because I call on the name of Jesus when it's convenient , I will be shown favor and given anything I ask for. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for Ezra, and that's not going to be the case for me or you. Ezra was given favor because his heart was about the business of glorifying God. He had mastered the discipline of boasting that I wrote about a few days ago. Once the King answered his requests favorably, look at what he says...

"Praise the Lord, the God of our ancestors, who made the king want to beautify the Temple of the Lord in Jerusalem! And praise him for demonstrating such unfailing love to me by honoring me before the king, his council, and all his mighty princes! I felt encouraged because the gracious hand of the Lord my God was on me."

Ezra wasn't asking for a promotion within the Kingdom of Persia. He wasn't asking for more money or wealth for himself or his family. He wasn't trying to build trust funds or pay for college tuition. He wasn't even trying to pay rent. What he wanted was for the God of Israel to once again be honored in his Temple in the Holy City of the Jews. He wanted (and had determined) that the people of Israel would learn the laws of the Lord. He didn't want them to know Ezra. He wanted them to know their God.

This is echoed by another follower of God later in the Scripture. In Philippians 3, Paul writes:

"But whatever was to MY profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, NOT HAVING A RIGHTEOUSNESS OF MY OWN that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

Everything that was to my own profit I now consider trash in order to know that greatness of Christ and to be like him in his death and resurrection.

I think if Ezra were Paul's contemporary, he could have penned those exact words. And I think if Paul were my contemporary, he would speak the same words to me...

"Leanne, do you understand that your best is nothing compared to the righteousness of God? Do you not know that His business, His Kingdom, His Glory, is worth your entire life? In fact, your life is not enough to show His worth. But try. Keep being about God's business in this kingdom that you live in. Nothing you thought was good is good in light of God's goodness. But by His grace, He has accepted you and let you be a part of what He is doing. And He will direct the heart of Kings to be a part of what He is doing. But not because of you, and not for your benefit. For His."

Like the title of this blog admits, these are only thoughts. There is no clear direction or motivation behind my writing today. It struck me that I'd just prayed for favor and God immediately shows me a man who was shown God's favor because he was unashamedly about the business of God's glory. How that fits into finding favor at work, I don't know. But what I do know is that I should continue to seek God first and only in all matters of my heart and world. If His glory is my first priority, then at least I'm looking in the right direction.

I hope this finds you looking in the right direction today, even if what you're looking at seems a little blurry.

A discipline of boasting

In my reading this morning, I came across an ancient directive: "The person who wishes to boast should boast only of what the Lord has done." Then I decided that I wanted to read the directive in the original context, so I went back to first mention of it and this is what I found:

"Let not the wise man gloat in his wisdom, or the mighty man in his might, or the rich man in his riches. Let them boast in this alone: That they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who is just and righteous, whose love is unfailing, and that I delight in these things."

According to www.dictionary.com, to boast means

"to speak in exaggerated or excessively proud terms of one's possessions,skills, or superior qualities; brag".

Then I thought that maybe I need to think about what I'm speaking in proud terms about, even if I'm only speaking to myself. Some things that come to mind that I boast about are my husband (I really do think he's amazing and quite capable, and sometimes even better than other people's husbands), my own common sense or "wisdom", my ideals and abilities as a parent, the people I've known in the past and their "high" opinion of me, the way I've chosen to live my life, although not perfect, it has kept me safe from a lot of hardship, and the list goes on and on. I am not without the allusion that I am the one who has brought good things to my life.

But that's not true. Although I have wisdom and riches (and FYI, if you live in the United States, you have riches even if you think you're poor) and strength, my boasting is not to be in those things. I need to practice the discipline of boasting in the fact that I know the Lord. I need to be unashamed to speak proudly of my God and the things I have seen him accomplish. My voice should be lifted up to tell people that my God loves justice and goodness and unfailing love. He is a God who saves and redeems. He is a God who works the impossible and shows patience.

He is a God who has changed the generational lineage of my family from faithless to faithful. He has called my generation to himself and to His ministry. He has broken behaviors and habits and ugliness and continues to do so within my brothers and sister...and He will continue to do so in the coming generations (he promises that he would be with the generations of those who trust him for a thousand generations).

He is a God who has instilled justice in the hearts of many and has taught me right from wrong. He loves justice and mercy, and He wants his people to live in unfailing love instead of judgement and hatred.

My God has redeemed the sin of a family I know. He has brought beauty and salvation to their household and chosen them to show justice and love to an orphaned child. Only the one true God can work that kind of change from deep betrayal.

My God loves everyone. He is the originator of NO H8 (whether we are comfortable with that or not).

My God is the God who can work miracles...still today...whether I struggle to believe it or not.

My God protects me.

My God knew when we left New Orleans in 2006 that He would bring us back and continue to bring personal change to our lives. He is still changing us today and making us into the people He wants us to be.

He is beyond any good thing I could ever do. My "best" is like trash compared to what He is and is capable of.

My God has a plan for my life, for my family's life and for my children's lives. He is a faithful leader, a tender friend and a worthy confidant.

He is good and his love lasts forever.

And that isn't even tapping into all that is good and true about Him. I wish my mouth and mind were more open to speak His praises, and perhaps with practice, I'll become better at it. But for now, this is where I leave it.

I encourage you to think of the good things God has done. Let's stop thinking about ourselves and hat we've done or what we think we will do. Even if you don't have a "good" relationship with God, you can still give Him credit for something good. Anything good. After all, he is the giver of all good gifts.

Unity

"Now, dear brothers and sisters, I appeal to you by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ to stop arguing among yourselves. Let there be real harmony so there won't be divisions in the church. I plead with you to be of one mind, united in thought and purpose...Can Christ be divided into pieces?"

This was written two thousand years ago by a man named Paul. Paul was a persecutor of the Church and encouraged, if not participated in, the killings of countless Christians--he was called "Saul" at that time. Then he met Jesus (FYI, Jesus had already gone back to heaven). The story goes that he was struck blind, and this man who was so prideful and powerful, was at the mercy of his God (he was a devout Jew). It was in that time of blindness that he is recorded as hearing Jesus ask him, "Saul, why are you persecuting me?"

You see, Saul was serving the same God as the Christians...but he didn't know it. His God, Yahweh, was the same God who had planned from the beginning to send Jesus as a bridge for his people to get back to Him. He just didn't get the Jesus part yet.

I wonder if in those words he penned to the Corinthians, he felt a pang of guilt as a one-time persecutor of Christ and divider of the one true God. He thought he was doing the right thing by persecuting God's people. He wasn't, and luckily, God thought Him worthy enough to point out the error of his ways.

And I wonder how many of us can see and understand, if God deems us worthy enough to show us, the ways in which we have "divided Christ" in our own lives. Have we spoken against an ex-church? Or ex-church member? Or the methods of a certain denomination? Have we argued about unimportant things (especially having to do with buildings or rules instead of people)? Have we looked down on those who follow strict rules as a part of their faith? Have those with strict rules looked down on those who live in the law of freedom and moderation? I've done all of those things.

Do we forget Christ? Do we get so lost in our pitiful, limited, human ideas of who God is and who the true Church is, that we lose the story? Because it is a beautiful story. It is a story of separation and loss. A story of forgiveness and redemption. A story of love and sacrifice. A story of grace and beauty. When we divide Christ, we take away from that story--God's story.

To be united in thought and purpose is what will cause God's Church to rise up among the noise. Let me encourage you today, along with the words of Paul, whether church leader, church member, or churchless, to seek out Unity under the veil of Christ. Seek people who seek God, who seek peace and who seek unity with fellow believers.

The value of life

Last week, during one of my visits with Ms Betty*, she was telling me about her best friend from childhood. The focus of the conversation ended up being not on the friend's life or their friendship, but on the woman's oldest son. He wasn't like every other boy on the block. He had cerebral palsy, much like this beautiful young lady...

As I listened to his story, I was inspired. He was without the use of the majority of his body. Not many people could understand his speech if they were not accustomed to him. He was, by our standards, broken. But he would not let that deter him. In fact, when he finished high school, he decided that he wanted to go to college at LSU. It took a year for him to meet the special requirements they gave him for admission. His were requirements that we wouldn't even think of as applicable to a college admissions process, such as using the bathroom and bathing without help, brushing his own teeth, making it to class on his own.

But he did it. And he graduated. When he took his (st)roll across the stage for his diploma, he received a well-deserved standing ovation. But that wasn't enough for him. He became a successful business man, he wrote a book that somehow, by the way, was never published...I would like to know how an inspirational book written by this man never made it to a Barnes & Noble bookshelf. But I digress. Not only was he successful independently, but he was successful in love. He met a beautiful woman, fell in love, got married, and ended up outliving his wife. The only thing this many couldn't accomplish by shear power of his will was to have children...something Ms Betty believes he still regrets.

The interesting thing about the turn our conversation took this day was one of the news headlines of the day. It seems there was a man who got so angry about his daughter (who has cerebral palsy) being made fun of incessantly on her bus and in school, that he took matters into his own hands. What loving father wouldn't?

You can read the article and think about all that on your own, but the conclusion Ms. Betty drew for me in our time together that day is that (this is a paraphrase) everyone has gifts that should be realized. God did not create everyone to be the same. He made us different for a reason. Even diseased and handicapped (those effected by the natural messiness of our world) have gifts and abilities that God will use. God is bigger than their disability and his power to overcome can be seen in the determination of this man who made it across that LSU stage for his diploma...and in the ability of a 13 year old girl to go back to school, day after day, as she is mocked for something she has no power to control.

Life is valuable. All life. And we need to make sure we teach our children, our coworkers, our employees, our family and our friends to value each person who crosses our paths. We should teach it by example and by exposure. We should love as best we know how...always.

*name changed to protect privacy

For more information on Cerebral Palsy, please visit www.UCP.org