Monday, March 23, 2009

My house is a mess and so am I

My current Facebook status says, "Leanne isn't sure if it's good or bad." That's one of those ambiguous jr. high kind of things to say, but that's how I'm feeling about my life right now. The last couple weeks have been like a roller coaster for me and I honestly can't tell you if it's a good thing or a bad thing. My house is a mess, my brain is even more of a mess, my body's in terrible condition, my self-control is nil, my purpose is unclear and I can't find anything that brings me fulfillment.

I sat outside staring up at the sky crying for a while tonight. It's the first time in a very long time that I've felt that free. Like I was the only person in the world and the space was full of God-like substance instead of smog and noise. It was nice. I mean, I didn't get any answers, but it was good to just be broken for a little while with nothing that I had to try to hold together.

And maybe that's a good place to be. Maybe I need to be able to cry and to know that there's space for God to let me cry. It's one thing to cry. It's another thing to cry out. Crying out takes an admittance of failure, or at the very least, weakness. Crying can be a response to anything from fear to self-pity to anger to hurt feelings...and it can easily turn into bitterness. And those tears can last a while before coming to the point of crying out. They may never make it to that point for some people. But crying out...that's when something starts to happen. When Job started crying out, God started talking back. When David cried out, God considered him a man after His own heart. When Jesus cried out, his final breath was expelled. And then 3 days later, he rose up from the dead.

Here's hoping for new life.

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