- reserved: unwilling to communicate very much, talk freely, or reveal all the facts about something
- reluctant: unwilling to do something
But here I am blogging, as I am prone to do when I need to think through my life and faith... when I need God to make me new again. When my reticence must give way to the life of faith (because make no mistake--any faith described as reticent is no faith at all).
This all comes on the cusp of God telling me "no". I've had "faith" that God would provide financially for my family in a couple of very specific ways as I start Graduate school next week. As of Thursday, He has officially said no to both of my expectations. It makes me angry. It hurts my feelings. It makes me want to cry and kick and scream and potentially give up on this dream I have watched God hand deliver to me over the past year.
But that is not the way of faith. The way of faith takes the first step without seeing every step on the path. The way of faith allows God to direct. The way of faith is simple. It is not overthought, hyper-planned or easy. It is serendipitous. It is beautiful. It is fun and unexpected. It is allowing God to make me smile instead of counting on myself for joy. It is peaceful--something I have not been for months.
Faith lets go. Faith opens its heart. Faith smiles. Faith breaths. Deeply.
So as I begin this journey... however long it takes and wherever it may take me, I will breath. I will be quiet. I will stop trying to be in control of everything just because that's what responsible middle class American adults do (ha). I will learn to walk in the way of faith--a way I started walking 20 years ago--and I will learn what faith looks like each day. And if you happen to see me, please ask me how my faith is growing and changing. And if you sense any bit of resonance in my answer, ask me again.