Many of you who've seen me this weekend know that I have new hair. I finally went with the two-tone, and I've gotten numerous compliments since making the change on Thursday. Thank you, by the way. What many of you might not know is that I'm the type of person who, when I start to feel bored or out of control in my day-to-day life, I like to run away...make a change...do something crazy. This last year, that felt need has been actualized in my hair, with this new change being nothing short of another effort to take control of something that has nothing to do with hair.
I have to pause here. I don't want anyone to get me wrong. This blog is not a cry for help or a pity party. These are just my thoughts on what I've been dealing with lately...with that being said, I will continue.
My hair is different, but it doesn't change the person I am when I look in the mirror. When other people see me they see the physical change that's taken place and think how cool and fun I must be. When I look in the mirror, I still see the itchy splotchy skin caused from the stress and bad eating habits of the last month. When I walk in my bedroom, I'm still overwhelmed by the disaster it has become. When I am faced with the God who's done so much in, for and through me in the past, I can't help but see my current brokenness and insufficiency even more clearly than ever before.
You see, the truth is that for a while now I've been believing in a God who doesn't do a lot with me now that I'm married with a child. I believe in a God who required things of me BEFORE I chose to set my mind on worldly things (as Paul would put it)...a God who could change me when I was by myself but now that there are 2 people "more important" than me (in my own estimation), I am no longer worth the time, investment and effort it takes to truly pursue excellence in all areas of my personal life, to pursue MY God, to serve at MY church, etc.
On Friday night, God gave me just a little glimpse of what's going on inside my heart, and I am both relieved and nervous. He's shown me that while He's done great things in me in the past, if I think the only changes left to be made have to do with my hair, I am sadly mistaken. I am amazed at how many pieces of my heart are still broken and being stored inside me because I didn't even realize there was a God big enough to mend them. Really, I didn't even know He thought enough of me to WANT to fix them anymore. I used to believe he wanted nothing more than to make me like Jesus...perfect. But now there are just too many other hurting people, too many other things to do, too many other practical demands on my life.
And I've really got to stop thinking that way. I still have a God who's my Father. A God who knows and understands me more intimately than anyone ever has or will. A God who wants good for me more than anyone else. A God who wants me to come to him as a child...as a daughter. Not as Bella's mom. Not as Christopher's wife. Not as _________ (fill in the blank). A child. Expectant. Joyful. Trusting. Simplistic. And He will do the rest. And although the changes I can make might seem fun or cool to the naked eye, they are miniscule and insignificant in comparison to what God can do.
After all, it's only hair.