Friday, November 21, 2008

Thoughts on a cool morning

So here's the break down for this morning:

10 minute walk (I had to let myself start slow...I was not very motivated)
15 minute jog
5 minute walk
15 minute jog
5 minute walk
15 minute jog (minus 1 or 2 minutes lost to stop lights)
Cooled down with a 5 minute walk around the block
Stretches, crunches, push-ups

And now here I sit with my glass of cranberry juice and my blog, sharing a few minutes of my morning with you, my loyal reader.

I feel like I'm having to start over almost daily. I'm really struggling with the way I handle food. This, in turn, has serious impact on my running, as well as the way I feel about myself. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for getting up early and training my body to do what I want it to do. But on the other hand, there's are feelings of shame and disappointment for the things that I put into my body while I'm alone. I've been trying to figure out why I am (still) a closet eater, and the best I can come up with is that it's a bad habit left over from when I was a kid. I was alone a lot (especially at night since that's when my mom worked), and I remember that most nights I would lay in my mom's bed watching TV with either a bag of chips, a plate of cookies or a bowl of ice cream (or all three) to keep me company. Food was my friend, my companion, the thing that was always there for me. So now, as an adult, I find myself looking to food as a release from a bad day or as a way to celebrate a good day or simply as a way to not feel alone. This is highly disappointing and I wish it were not a part of who I am. But it is.

So for now, all I can do is continually give myself grace. I know that God gives me grace upon grace to cover my bad behavior, so who am I to withhold that grace from myself? It is not my job to judge myself (just like I'm not to judge others), so I will live everyday to the best of my ability. I will keep training and running and I will try to learn how to fill my heart and life with joys and comforts that are not edible.

Speaking of joys and comforts, my sweet daughter has just been woken up by her Daddy and is waiting for some breakfast. She is standing next to me saying, "Nummy, nummy." I guess that means I should bring this entry to a close and go about my Mommy-duties.

I do hope that this encourages some of you. I know our struggles may not be the same, but I think we all have areas in which we are less than our best, and it is to those areas that I speak today.

"Learn to limit yourself; to content yourself with some definite work; dare to be what you are and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not; and to believe in your own individuality."
-Henri Frederic Amiel (Swiss writer)

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